KatieTv, Sugartits, kstewfangirl, I don't want to live in a world where you don't exist. Thank you for the fan girling and the laughs. To my readers, reviewers, and rec'ers I just posted last chapter that I'd passed 200 reviews and now y'all have me close to 300. If I pass that this chapter I may die of happiness. Love and thanks to all y'all.
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I don't know just why
I can't get you off my mind
No matter how I try
Right or wrong
~~Right or Wrong, Emmett Miller and the Georgia Crackers
~~~~~~~
~~BPOV~~
Sunlight burned through my eyelids and I opened my mouth to groan. I ran my tongue along the roof trying to scrape away the essence of dirty sock that was hanging on. Reaching for the glass of water I always put on the nightstand, I struggled to sit up on my elbows. Everything hurt and there was no glass of water. Come to think of it, I didn't remember coming to bed last night.
I cracked open my eyes and glanced around the room. I pulled back the covers and stepped to the floor. My feet felt like I'd walked on glass all night. I ignored the prickles climbing my calves and went to the bathroom to unwrap a plastic cup and drink away the sock. I filled and drank and filled again. I turned to go back to bed and saw two folded up towels on the edge of the tub. One of them was covered in black streaks.
Oh my god.
Oh.
My.
God.
Pieces of last night assaulted my memory and I half-ran/half-crawled to the bed to bury my head beneath the blankets. Please, please tell me I did not get drunk and come onto Edward. That I did not bring him back here, fall over the furniture before puking, and let him wash my feet as I laid face down and nearly passed out on the bed. Kill me now. I whined into the sheets as a knock came on the door.
"Bella, are you up? You're going to miss breakfast." Zafrina cracked open the door and stuck her head inside.
"I can't eat," I said from beneath the sheet.
She crossed over to the bed and pulled at the blankets by my feet until they slid off and revealed my face "A big old plate of grease is what you need right now to soak up whatever is left in your belly."
"Oh God, Z. Shut up. You're going to make me throw up."
She went into the bathroom and turned on the shower. "You can not spend all day in lectures on an empty hungover stomach. Get your ass in gear."
"Fine," I grumbled, climbing out of bed.
"Was it worth it?" she asked, handing me a towel.
"No."
"It never is." She closed the door behind me and let me scrub off the embarrassment in peace.
~~~~~~~
I sat at a table in the dining room listening to Zafrina and her friends in an involved debate about neo-feminism. It was way too early for this level of intellect and there wasn't enough coffee in all of California for me to tolerate it.
The back of my neck tingled and I glanced over my shoulder to see Edward watching me in that way he does that would be creepy if it was anyone else. He knitted his eyebrows together in concern as I gave a weak smile. Facing him after everything that happened last night was worse than listening to whether or not celebs going sans panties had the same effect as Gertrude Stein burning her bra.
I headed to the buffet line to refill on bacon and felt him follow me.
"Are you okay?" he whispered as I loaded my plate.
"Apart from sheer mortification an a headache to rival an MSG binge, yeah I'm okay."
"I'm not just talking about last night."
"I'm not going to talk about that here or now."
"When then?" He reached out to my hand but caught my wrist instead as I replaced the lid.
"Oh God. Listen. I'm sorry I got drunk and way inappropriate last night. I was looking for an escape but I've just made myself feel worse. I wanted to leave what was going on at home, at home. But I broke down, I needed to talk to to someone about it. Because in my real life, there is no one. I shouldn't have dumped that on you and you don't have to get involved."
"I'm already involved," he said pressing his fingertips into my skin where he had cuffed me like a bracelet. "I want to know what's going on Bella. I need to know you're okay."
His thumb slid up my wrist to press into my palm and circle the flesh. My mouth dried instantly as I struggled to swallow.
"I'm fine. I promise. Can we talk about this later?"
"Alright, but remember. You're out of get out of jail free cards. I want the whole truth. When is your last class?"
"I'm only doing a few this time. My last one is out at three."
"Remember where I parked last year?" he asked and I nodded. "Meet me there when you get out."
He dropped my hand after one less press into my palm and I returned to the table as he disappeared from the room.
"Sorry, no. The glorification of underage girls' sexuality is not feminism. Not when it's done to feed the appetite of men three times their age. We aren't breeding new feminists, we're creating new pedophiles." Zafrina's hand slammed on the table and I turned around to go back for more coffee.
~~~~~~~
My morning lectures were just what I needed to take my mind away from everything that was wrong to focus on everything that was right. One of the leaders had asked for writing samples prior to class and already had feedback for us on day one. His praise gave me a high that sailed me through lunch and the afternoon and before I knew it I was headed to the back parking lot to meet Edward.
He leaned against the door to his car, smoking and staring at the ocean. The top was down and the radio played an old crackling jazz ballad that I recognized but couldn't finger. He was in those dark cuffed jeans again and a plain white tee having lost the dress shirt from this morning. He smiled while patting the back of his gelled hair as he heard my steps across the blacktop, and turned to open the door. I felt like Peggy Sue heading to the malt shop.
He started the engine and turned over his shoulder to back out. As soon as his eyes brushed across me I flushed and clutched my notebook to my chest. I imagined my skirt to have a poodle and my sandals as saddle shoes. I wondered if we'd drive out to the point and neck. The heat rose in my body again as I thought about myself in the backseat with him and I cleared my throat thinking of something safe to say.
"Where are we going?" That was safe enough.
"Lover's Point."
Okay, maybe not.
"What?" I said with a stupid nervous giggle.
"It's a park in Pacific Grove. Best views on the entire coast. You'll dig it. Promise."
A park, I could do a park. It was daytime, they're would be children and no necking. I could handle this. I leaned back in my seat and looked up to the sky. The trees formed a ceiling above us where I could just see the blue pinpricking through the leaves. We reached the main road outside the Lodge but rather than heading for the freeway, he followed the ocean to town.
The town itself could not have possibly been real. Picturesque was a mild description. Every house was an impeccably restored Victorian with green carpeted lawns and flowers blazing. We passed a dozen bed and breakfast inns, quaint shops and cozy restaurants before pulling into a parking spot near a cliff top park overlooking the crashing waves and Monterey Bay.
"You have got to be kidding me. Places like this don't exist anywhere but the movies." I reached for my door handle but Edward had already jumped over his closed door and jogged around to open it for me.
"So I was right. You like it."
"I love it," I breathed, taking his hand to step out.
He didn't let go of my hand and I was rocked with the realization that he didn't have to. No one knew us here. Everyone that did was back at the Lodge distracted by lectures. I looked down at the knot between us and smiled. He squeezed my hand and led me to a small snack shack.
"Coffee?"
"Yes, please," I said, glancing at a menu that would rival Starbucks. "Just a big black one."
"You've got it. Two black coffees, please."
He gave our order and reached for his wallet with his free hand even though it would have been easier to drop mine instead. I pulled back a little, taking him with me. He wasn't letting go. He flipped open the wallet and brought our hands over to slide out a bill. He waved away the change and we reached for our cups with our unencumbered limbs.
I followed him to a bench near the edge, close to the water and away from the crowd. We sat together slurping coffee and not rushing the silence. He dropped my palm, for only a moment, to weave our fingers together.
"So, tell me what happened."
"Just like that. I have to dive right into it?"
"Sorry, I warned you there would be no free passes."
I sighed and squinted into the ocean. I let my eyes relax on that place where blue meets blue and found the peace between breaths. He waited patiently for me to begin.
"I don't know where to start. The beginning, obviously, but I'm not even sure when that is. I've spent a lot of time examining my marriage, looking for the chip in the glass that started the ugly crack. But the whole damn windshield is so full of dings I can't tell intact from broken anymore."
He winced and I paused to take a long swig from my cup.
"So this isn't new information? Bella, why didn't you tell me before?"
"Last year I guess I was still in denial. I'd had my suspicions but I just couldn't let myself believe them to be true. But I've known something was going on with Leah for awhile. When Sarah was a baby I caught them kissing. They didn't see me, I don't know how because I stood there for a full minute in shock. I didn't even think it was him at first. I never knew he was capable of...anyways, I put it out of my head. Told myself it was a one-off or that my hormones were playing tricks on me. I wrapped myself up in my children and being a mom so I wouldn't have to see."
I stopped again and closed my eyes to find composure.
"I'm sorry."
"Thank you," I whispered before finding it in me to go on. "So they kissed and who knows what and I pretended it was nothing all the while not noticing the little ways she weaseled into my life."
"Like what?"
"She's just always there. In every little way. She's on the phone or at his work, she constantly needs help with repairs at her house or her mom's house because her dad is dead, she's at every function we go to, she's fucking buried herself under my nail like a thorn. Do you know he got me a puppy for Christmas? That was my gift, not the girls, mine. He gave me another thing to take care of and pick up after, as a gift. I would have preferred a kitchen appliance, at least they don't shit in the house. And it wasn't just any puppy, it was hers. Her hairball wolf dog had a litter close to Christmas and he brought her into my house. I have to look at her everyday."
"Geez. So if you've known but pretended you didn't, what changed?"
"The writing is just on the wall. I'm embarrassed it took me so long to see it. And to be honest. I'm not sure it's just her. There's been times when he's M.I.A. and I find out she's somewhere he's not. I used to think it was just her and now I don't know."
"Fuck. What are you going to do? Or have you done?" He rubbed the back of his neck and frowned.
The question I didn't know how to answer.
"I've done nothing. He doesn't know I know. I figure this probably is not what you want to hear, but what can I do? I don't have a ton of options. I have no money and zero work experience besides a few summers at the local sporting goods store and an internship at the library. There are little to no jobs in Forks and I can't leave and go somewhere else because of the girls. He's an amazing father and I can't take that away from him or them even if I am hurt. Besides all this, he's not a bad husband. He doesn't beat me or belittle me we get along just fine and, really? His philandering doesn't change that much. He hasn't wanted me in a long time and I gave up on trying."
"You're not to blame, don't do that."
"I am to blame, partly. It's never any one person's fault. Or it's no one's fault. Who do you blame when two people both fall out of love with each other? He might be messing around but I've made myself unavailable."
"How?"
"When I had Sarah I threw myself so wholeheartedly into being a mother I didn't pay a whole lot of attention to being a wife. And then I blamed him when he couldn't see me that way anymore."
"That's still not your fault, Bella. He should be able to accept your dual roles."
I shook my head. "It goes so much deeper than that, he's got mommy issues I've asked him to go into counseling he freaks out at the thought. The way I see it is it's not as bad as it could be. For now that is where I have to be. I am a mother and my girls will always come first."
"Do you worry you're doing them a disservice giving them a bad marriage as a role model?"
"They don't see the bad, Edward. They're too little for that. They need their dad more than I need to leave. And I don't want to be on my own. I don't want to do this alone. I'm being selfish for so many reasons."
"You're being nothing but selfless putting them before your own happiness."
"Truthfully, I'm not entirely unhappy. My ego hurts more than my heart. That's sad, huh? I'm learning I need to find my happiness elsewhere. I need to find it in myself. That's what this is all about. This conference and working on my writing has been my lighthouse. I can see through the dark now."
He pulled our hands into his chest and wrapped his arm around me tucking my head beneath his chin. "You might be the strongest person I've ever met."
I shook my head against his chest, dizzied by his scent. "No way. There's people out their fighting diseases, or searching for missing children or grieving those taken too soon. Those are bigger fights than mine."
"But I don't know them. I know you and your strength and I'm amazed." His thumb locked under my chin as he lifted my face to look at him. Our hands were still pressed between our hearts. "Tell me something, Bluebell and I'll only ask it once."
"Yes?"
He held my gaze for a long time before continuing. His eyes darted back and forth across mine like he was searching for the answer to the question he hadn't asked yet. His heart thudded against my wrist.
"Is this thing between us your way of getting back at him?"
"Edward, no. This isn't about revenge or redemption. Whatever this is between us has nothing to with him. I didn't mean to bring this here, you were just the only person I could talk to about it. I can't let my family or friend's opinion of him be tainted."
"Why not?"
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes again. It would be easier to say without him watching.
"Honestly? What vow has he broken that I haven't wanted to? If sin is sin and thinking is no different than doing, then I am no better than him." I opened my eyes to Edward. "If I'm already damned then why can't I at least enjoy the sin I've already committed in my head a thousand times before?"
I looked down to our hands and back up to him a he lifted his thumb from my chin and rubbed it across my lips, stopping to press into the fullness of the center. His eyes went back to swimming in mine.
"O then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do," he whispered, his breath mixing with his thumb on my lips.
He pressed our hands to his chest as we moved to each other, inch by inch. I watched his mouth move closer and then lift to softly kiss my forehead like the night I had denied him of anything more. I lifted my free hand to his arm and pulled his thumb away. It dragged on my bottom lip, refusing to let go.
"Thus from my lips, by thine, my sin is purg'd." I lifted my mouth to his, feeling his smile.
"That's my line," he said in exhale.
"Then make your move, Romeo."
He waited a second and no longer before closing the distance between our mouths and laying his lips on mine. My heart dropped from my chest to land on the ground beneath us as our arms tightened around our bodies. We opened together, letting our tongues dare to enter each other. They met in the middle savoring the other with each stroke before pushing past, eager to devour all that was offered. The pace rose and fell with the rhythm of the waves and I found myself breathless but refusing to let him go. In reluctance he pulled away, gasping for breath and leaving kisses along my cheeks, neck and ear while we both wheezed.
"Give me my sin again," he begged. He clutched my hand to his heart, nearly crushing it in earnest, and I gave him my mouth with equal force, again and again.
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~~I'd love reviews more than you'd love for Edward to take your sin again.~~
Hey y'all! Couple things I wanted to share with you, Tangled up In Blue was nominted for two Bring Me To Life Awards! If you'd like to vote for it please head over here http://www.bringmetolifeawards.weebly.com/. And tell you friends :)
A great conversation about TUiB has started up over on the Twilighted AU-All Human forum. Sunfeathers and buffbronze are keeping the conversation going but I'm sure they'd love your input!
Also, have y'all peeped in on http://www.thefich00rconfessional.com/ yet? There are all kinds of goodies over there including a brand new smut clip review out soon (we perviously drooled over pieces of The Guardian and First Edition). If you haven't been, you don't know what you're missing!
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