The usual thanks to the usual suspects. KatieTv for the prereading, the mistake catching and the nagging. SugarTits, you are my life now. I couldn't do this without you girls. And to Buhbeesgirl who provided the picture that insipired Zafrina's overshare. ;)
~~~~~~~
You, soft and only
You, lost and lonely
You, strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans
Twisting in the water
You're just like a dream
Just like a dream
~~Just Like Heaven, The Cure
You, lost and lonely
You, strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans
Twisting in the water
You're just like a dream
Just like a dream
~~Just Like Heaven, The Cure
~~~~~~~
~~BPOV~~
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
This is not what I bargained for. At all. I just wanted him in one of my classes. I wanted to spend part of the day just feeling him near me. I wanted an hour or so to trade air molecules with him. Air molecules that were saturated with his scent. I wanted him to sit behind me and stare at the back of my head to see if I could feel his eye touch even on my hair. Because I'd bet the eye touch could penetrate something that didn't even have nerve endings. I wanted an excuse to talk to him in a public place so that the mystery that was Edward Cullen could dissipate and the thrill of him could go away and I could stay a happily married woman. I wanted to stop wanting him.
I did not want him to be the presenter. I did not want him to be standing at the front of the class all fuckhot and authoritative. I did not want to listen to his velvet voice lecture for ninety minutes while I tried not to melt into my seat. I did not want him to read and judge my writing samples. And I did not want to witness all the other females hang on his every word and bat their lashes each time his eyes scanned their way. Hot for teacher whores.
Because he was hot. Good God was he hot. In low slung black jeans, a black dress shirt rolled at the sleeves and a tight black vest, he was as hot as blue blazes. When he came around to the front of the table and leaned back on it crossing his bare forearms, I wanted to jump up and rub my cheek in their honey colored fuzz. He was black honey.
Renee went through a holistic medicine phase that led to us consuming a tablespoon of raw black honey daily. She went on and on about the benefits of honey and paid an inordinate sum of money for the liquid gold from freakishly large bees in the southeast Asian rainforest. She said black honey is good for the soul. Who am I to argue? I would gladly consume a tablespoon of Edward any day. My mind wandered to exactly how I could go about doing that and I blushed as he glanced at me while waiting for the class to quiet.
Oh my God. I had to stop. This was insane. It wasn't like I'd never seen a hot guy before. I wasn't straight out of the nunnery. I subscribed to People magazine and read Eric Yorkie's celebrity gossip blog. I looked at pictures of cute actors and musicians everyday. I should be desensitized to excessive sexiness. Edward cleared his throat to begin and I chided myself. Who the hell was I kidding? I could stare at him everyday for a year and still wet my pants every time our eyes met.
"Okay, let's get started shall we?" He paused as folks nodded and settled down. " I only have six hours over the next four days to teach you the most impossible thing to teach in writing. Other lectures get to point out where commas go, why you should avoid adverbs or how to write queries and proposals. You've probably already been or are going to go to workshops on plot development or captivating characters or believable dialogue. Hell I even noticed there's one this afternoon on writing hot sex scenes." He rubbed at the back of his hair and looked right at me as the class laughed.
"Are you heading that one too?" a girl cooed from the front row.
Edward chuckled and continued. "No, sorry. Getting back to my point. This week is about you learning how to write or how to write better. And none of it, none of it, matters if you haven't found your voice as a writer."
"So why is it so hard to teach?" said a serious man in the front row.
"Because I can't just tell you, do this and you'll have a developed authorial voice. I can definitely tell you some things not to do, and will, but there is no secret formula to this. And you will not leave this workshop with a definitive voice. It is something you will continue to develop as you write and something that will mature as you do."
"If you having nothing to teach us, what are we doing here?" The serious man in the front row was becoming the annoyed man in the front row.
Edward didn't flinch at criticism. "I don't plan on teaching you. I plan on you teaching yourselves. You are the only ones in this room that know your natural voice. You are probably writing in it some of the time. For example, in your manuscripts are there sentences or passages that you like more than others? You know, the ones that make you smile or give you pause when you read them. The ones that make you think, damn I'm good."
He waited while everyone laughed and nodded in agreement. Damn he was good. I was hanging onto his every word not even thinking about him naked. Well, not much as I thought I'd be.
"And those places where you cringe, you know the ones, where you spend hours obsessing over one sentence that just doesn't fit. Those are the places where you've lost your voice or where you're forcing it. So," he drawled exaggerating the word while he ran his hands down his vest and into the small pockets in the front. "What we are going to do is this. Today, I'm going to go through some of the biggest mistakes writers makes when cultivating their voice. I have examples to read from and we're going to discuss how voice and style differ. Because I'm guessing many of you think they're the same thing. And you're getting homework. I want you to go through the samples you've brought and highlight the passages where you think your voice sings. And underline the sections you dislike the most. There are twelve of you so we'll go through four a day for the rest of the week. You will be reading them aloud and we'll all work with you to get the flat passages in your voice. Any questions before we go on?"
Nope, no questions. Just an unbelievable abyss of dread at the thought of him reading and critiquing my words. I think I'd rather strip naked and let him laugh at my stretch marks.
~~~~~~~
"Bella? Are you ready yet?" Zafrina entered my room and called for me.
"In here, just finishing blow drying my hair." I yelled out to her over the gale force winds in my ear.
I had showered before dinner and after my last class. The residue of Edward's eye touch was all over me and I'd never make it through the night if I didn't wash it off. He'd avoided looking directly at me for most of the class. It helped that he had eleven other eager beavers to attend to. He was a fantastic lecturer. He was engaging and knowledgeable all at the same time. My only complaint was that the time passed too quickly.
I flipped my head over for one last hot body blast at the roots and then righted myself again. Zafrina had come in the stuffy room and perched herself on the edge of the bathtub. She was staring at the hair dryer in my hand as she took a long draw from the joint between her fingers.
"I knew a man once. His penis looked just like that." She exhaled a cloud of smoke with her words.
I didn't want to know. But she'd keep talking anyway. "What?" I said.
"The hotel hair dryer. He was from Africa, uncircumcised. He had a squat wide penis that curved to the right. The way you're holding that, in this light, for a moment I dreamed of Africa." She leaned her face into her hand and stared into the distance with a small smile on her face.
I looked at the hair dryer in my hand and shuddered at the thought. "Thanks for that Z. I am now going to have to pack my own hair dryer on vacation." I trembled again and gingerly replaced it in the holster. "Is that what finally did it? You were scarred from porking Africa's hotel hair dryer so you gave up all dick for good?"
"No, no, he was long before I came out. College. Peace Corps. Of course I was sleeping with women then too just not exclusively." Zafrina had clued me into her lesbian status our first night as roomies after she was sure it wouldn't make me uncomfortable. I didn't care that she was gay but I did find it fascinating that she wrote hetero bodice ripping romance novels.
"So do all uncuts look like that?" I glanced at it while leaning forward to apply my lipstick in the mirror.
"You haven't seen one? No, honey they don't. They're not too bad, you don't even notice the turtleneck after while-"
"Okay! Stop. That's enough. I'll take the lesbian's word for it. I don't think I'm going to be able to look at any penis again without seeing that," I pointed at hair dryer again. "You've ruined it for me."
Zafrina's eyes twinkled as she tapped her fingers along her cheek. "Somehow I doubt that."
~~~~~~~
The dining hall was packed as we entered. There were buffet tables along the far walls and clusters of round tables filling the room. It was going to be damn near impossible to find seats together.
"Bella, hey Pup-Pup. You looking for a place to sit? My table has an opening?" Garrett walked over to us carrying a plate piled high.
"Thanks Garrett, but I'm with Zafrina."
"No, no. I get my fill of you as it is. Go sit your friend I see some folks I know over there." She pointed at a seat four or five tables away and walked to them waving us a goodbye.
"Come on. I'll show you where we are and you can go back for a plate." I followed him as he wove through the tables towards one in the back by the wall of windows. He pointed out a chair for me when we arrived. "Guys, this is Bella. You know Benito, and you met Peter, Randall, and Mary last night."
I nodded hello to the semi-familiar faces and accepted Benito's kiss on both my cheeks.
"And this is Jane and Alec they're co-leading a workshop on penning memoirs and next to Alec is Tanya."
Tanya, the strawberry blond from Edward's class that asked him if he was doing the sex scene seminar. Fun.
"And lastly, you remember Edward?"
Wait, what? Edward wasn't there. I didn't see him. I didn't smell him. There was another empty chair next to Tanya. Shit. He was here. Just as I scanned for him I realized he was approaching with a half filled plate of salad greens. He smiled at me and set the plate in front of Tanya.
"Oh, thank you," she purred, "you are such a doll." She reached over and patted his hand. Puke.
"Bella do you want me to take you back to the buffet?" Garrett asked as he set his plate down.
"No, eat while it's hot. I'm fine. I'll be right back."
"I'll head that way with you, I haven't gotten my own plate yet." Edward said coming around the table.
"Okay," I said, lacking a wittier reply. We walked through the tables towards the food.
"So the salad bar is up here at the front."
"I'm good, I had my fill of rabbit food at lunch."
He smirked and pointed. "I think there is grilled chicken with wild rice here." I shook my head at the blob of white sitting on clumpy grains. "Okay, um Gardenburgers and sweet potato fries?" I gagged and he laughed.
"God no. Like I said I did veggies at lunch. But even if I hadn't I couldn't eat them after someone called them a 'gardenburger.' What is that? Ugh."
"Well all that's left is the steak option with a twice baked potato."
"Bingo. Winner winner steak dinner!"
Edward just smiled in response and dropped his hand to the small of my back to steer me towards the chosen entree. As his fingers pressed lightly through my sundress I expected them to leave marks like a forgotten iron. He raised the peace sign to the server but didn't drop his hand from me until he reached out to take both plates.
"It's nice to see a girl with a healthy appetite."
I snorted. "Everybody has to eat. Even Tanya. She'll pick at that salad now and then stuff her face with a bag of Lay's later when nobody is watching."
Edward stopped walking and I thought for a moment I'd offended him until he threw back his head and laughed. "I was so annoyed that was all she asked for! I mean, come on, that can not be all she wants to eat. I only offered to get her plate after she fell outside. Twisted her ankle or some shit."
"She fell?" Don't look amused, Bella. Don't look amused. Feign disinterest.
He didn't look like he was buying it. "Yeah she slipped on a sand patch near the edge of the parking lot. Serves her right for wearing five inch heels. At the beach." He glanced down quickly realizing he might might be making fun of me to me, but smiled in relief when he saw my low sandals.
We arrived at the table and he set down my plate and pulled out my chair to Tanya's narrowing eyes. She moved a baby carrot around her plate and grinned at him as he sat next to her.
"You go girl!" She winked at me. "Look at you, plate full of fat and cholesterol. I could never eat that much in one sitting. I have a really tiny stomach and super fast metabolism. I have to eat lots of small meals throughout the day. It's what keeps me so naturally thin. But that," she pointed her empty fork at my dinner, "would stick to my ass."
I cut off a large hunk of dripping meat and brought it to my mouth. I chewed slowly without breaking eye contact. Then, I wiped my my mouth and said, "I'm pretty sure there are pills for that, to clean you out. It must suck to be so full of shit."
She glared at me as the table hooted with laughter and I shoveled a scoop of potato in my hungry mouth.
"Excuse me, I'm going to the ladies." She pushed off the table and wobbled away on her wonky ankle and ridiculously high shoes.
Edward caught my eye and leaned across the table to clink my water glass with his beer bottle. Amusing him was even better than pissing off Tanya.
~~~~~~~
When dinner was over I excused myself from the table despite Garret and Benito's pleas that I join them and everyone else for Disco Scrabble, whatever that was. I needed to try calling home. The resort had terrible cell phone reception and the lobby was one of the only places not in a dead zone. I'd left a message when I'd arrived but I really wanted to talk to my babies.
I wandered the lobby holding my phone out like a beacon. No matter where I stepped the signal was still flat. I walked up to the desk and asked if there was a phone I could use. She pointed me down the hallway to a little alcove with a payphone and a chair.
Renee answered on the first ring despite the cacophony of noise in the background. "Black's House of Pain how can I hurt you today?"
"Mom! You are not seriously answering my phone like that are you?"
"It's the Prodigal Daughter. How you doing Bells?"
"I'm good Mom, great. How are you, how are the girls?"
"We're great. They are so much fun. But oh my God, I forgot how hard this is. No wonder you've been dying for a break. How is the conference?"
"Amazing. I love it here. I just ate a meal without having to cut anybody's food. And I can pee alone. I took for granted how much I missed urinating in peace. My workshops are amazing. It's just like heaven."
Renee laughed. "So I had it wrong, you're calling to let me know you aren't coming back?"
"Of course not. I miss them! Will Sarah talk to me?"
"Just a sec, I'll try and sit on her to hold her still. Sarah it's Mommy. Say hi to Mommy." There was a fair amount of rustling that had me wonder if Renee really did sit on her.
"Mommy? Hi Mommy!"
"Hey baby! How are you?"
"I'm very busy with Grandma and there was a bird, a big one, Mommy. And Grandma said we couldn't pull his feathers. Sissy was bad and it was a bubble. Oh Mommy, I ate a grape juice. I liked it. Okay, love you, bye bye."
My eyes teared up as I laughed. I didn't understand a word of it but she sounded happy and fine. She could survive without me for a few days.
"Hello? You still there? I thought she hung up on you."
"I'm here, Mom. Is Jake there?"
"Um, no. Not right now. He said he was going to be late tonight. You could call his cell."
"Oh that's okay, just tell him I called. I don't have long. I'm on a payphone in the lobby. Cell reception sucks here. I called to talk to the girls and to let you know that if you need me call the hotel and leave a message at the front desk."
"Okay. We won't need you though. We're fine, having a great time. You enjoy yourself and don't worry about a thing here. Just go and be Bella."
I smiled into the phone. "Thanks. I will. Kiss them for me?"
I blinked back a few tears as we said goodbye and took a deep breath before I turned around. Coming face to face with Edward leaning against the wall, I yelped and my hand flew to my mouth.
"Sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. You were so involved in your call you didn't hear me coming and I didn't want to interrupt." He avoided looking directly at me.
"Not your fault. I startle easily. I just didn't expect anyone to be there."
"Everything alright at home?"
"Yeah. They're fine without me. What are you doing?"
His eyebrow raised as he lifted a hand filled with change. He was looking at his shoes. "Waiting for the phone."
"Oh right. Well I'm going, have homework to do."
Finally, he brought his his eyes to mine. "I look forward to seeing your work, Isabella."
He held my gaze longer than necessary and I felt myself begin to dissolve.
I shook my head. "No, not Isabella. Here, I'm just Bella."
~~~~~~~
~~I'd love reviews more than you'd love to force feed Tanya a steak dinner~~
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