The characters and story of Twilight lived in Stephenie Meyer's head long before I came along and read it. They belong to her. This story however, has lived in my head long before you read it and it belongs to me. I don't intend any copyright infringement and you better not either.
Thank you drunknessie, sugartits, kstewfangirl & agirlreckoning for being patient with me through these toughie chapters. xoxo
Thank you so much to all of the wonderful readers and reviewers who left such amazing feedback after the last update. The personal stories shared were just heartbreaking. It's so sad to know how many of you have been in Bella's shoes. I wish no one ever had to live through that kind of pain. I know we're in heavy heart fail mode here, thanks for sticking with it.
Instrumental
~Lament, Balmorhea
(From Merriam-Webster: \la-'ment\ : intransitive verb: to mourn aloud: wail)
~~EPOV~~
"I don't understand what the problem is," I said through teeth clenched so tight they threatened to crack.
"The problem is, as I told you, I cannot reveal personal information regarding a guest," she answered and crossed her arms across her chest.
Fucking bitch.
"Look, all I want to know is if she's here yet. I know what room she usually stays in, it's not like I'm asking for her credit card number. It's easy. Is she here or not?"
"I'm not at liberty to say."
My fist hardened until I felt my sunglasses snap at the bridge. The plastic dug into my hand and I wanted to throw them at her.
I just wanted to know where she was. She hadn't returned my messages; she wasn't signed up for my class. I hadn't considered it until now, but I was scared she wasn't coming at all.
I wheeled away from the counter and pushed past arriving guests until I got to the conference sign-in table. The volunteers looked alarmed as I charged towards them. I slowed way down and tried to smile.
"Hello there, Edward. Is everything okay?" Maria asked.
"Everything's fine, sorry about that. Problem with the reservation desk," I said.
"Well, here's your badge and information, the rest of your materials were mailed to you. I assume you received your class rosters and writing samples?"
"Yeah, sure. I got them. Great. Ummmm…."
"Yes?"
"I was wondering if you could check and let me know if Bella Swan has checked in yet. I, uh, have something for her and needed to get it to her."
Maria frowned and glanced over her check-in list. "I haven't checked her in. Ladies? Did you check in Bella Swan earlier?"
They both shook their heads and I relaxed. She was coming, she just wasn't here yet.
"You know what?" the woman on the far right said, looking at the paper in front of her. "What did you say her name was? I don't think I have her on our list."
They crowded their heads together and I pushed the glasses deeper into my skin.
"Bella Swan. Like the bird. She has to be there," I said.
"Swan...Swan. Nope not there. I know it's not a mistake because I'm not recognizing her name from the registry either. I didn't prepare anything for a Swan. Sorry."
I couldn't answer her. I couldn't do anything but get out the back door, and onto the patio, as fast as I could. It had to be a mistake. She had to be coming. She promised.
I kicked up the dirt amongst the stones as I paced, waiting for her, replaying the little contact we'd had in my mind.
That I shall say goodnight till it be March
At Thanksgiving she'd said it, we'd see each other again come March. Where the fuck was she?
I knew something was up. I'd known for awhile. We'd emailed a couple times right after that, she asked about the aftermath of our visit, told me she was sending out her first query, and then bam! Nothing. I told her on Christmas about my class and I waited for her to sign up, checking the registration daily. I refreshed that page so many times I froze my computer more than once.
I messaged her again and she didn't answer. It wasn't until the trial that I got a vague but encouraging thinking-of-you-blah-blah-blah email. The kind you get from an acquaintance, not a lover. It came to my phone while I was sitting at the lawyers' office holding Rose's hand. They were preparing her testimony for the hundredth time and she got better each go round.
In my mind, I knew Bella was keeping her distance because of the trial. She wanted me to be there for Rose. She didn't want to be a distraction but that didn't explain why I'd heard jack shit in the two months since.
The text tone to my phone rang out and I fumbled with my pocket to read the message.
Any clue where my suitcase is? It's not in the upstairs closet.
Rose. She was packing for yet another trip to New York. The trial had lifted the moratorium on the city for her. Rather than turning down business there, she was soliciting it, hard core. She'd even been arguing that we should become a bi-coastal couple and get an apartment there.
I don't think you ever unpacked it after you got back. Remember? You shoved it under the bed.
The phone chimed with her response.
Oh, that's right. Thanks babe!
I shook my head and pushed at the keys on the phone. I was annoyed by the distraction and ashamed by the annoyance. All I could focus on was one thing. Where was she?
Opening the Facebook app, I scrolled through her page looking for a status like "I'm at the airport!" or "Leaving for a week!" No such luck. Her wall was as empty as it'd been for months. In fact, her last update was sometime in January and it was vague, in a way that wasn't meant for me. I didn't like that.
I dropped to the chair where I waited for her, exactly a year ago. I tapped the phone against my head willing her to appear, even if by magic. Why wouldn't she come? What had changed? What the fuck had happened to Bella?
It was over. She wasn't here. The lights were on in the big dining room. It was filling with attendees ready to eat crappy appetizers and figure out who in the crowd could help their career the most; who was the most worth talking to. I didn't have it in me this year, not without her.
I pushed the phone against my forehead once more and stood to leave. It was dark and I was going to have to make my way around the back. I couldn't walk through there. I looked through the window again and was met with a face on the other side of the glass. The worst possible face I could see.
She glared at me, flat out glared. I stepped back to go and she put a finger up to the man talking to her and moved around him. She was coming for the door and I was scared.
"Hey there, Zafrina. How goes it?" I asked puffing out my chest. I could take her. If I had to.
"Don't you 'hey there' me. Just what is going on here?"
She smacked the back of one hand against the palm of the other. I imagined her with a ruler or a switch and shuddered to myself. I'd bet her kid got away with nothing.
"I don't know. Honestly, I don't," I said.
"Bullshit. What did you do to her?"
"Nothing! I swear, nothing. I don't get it either, okay? I'm just as worried as you are."
She blew her wild hair off her face and rolled her eyes.
"I told you, didn't I? I told you that girl was broken and you didn't listen. Doing whatever you
pleased."
She sounded like she knew more than I did.
"Have you talked to her? Please tell me what is going on?" I pleaded with her.
"She hasn't said a word. All I know is she's worse than she ever was before. You do know you're supposed to leave people better than you found them, right? Didn't your mama, at least, teach you that?"
She took a step towards me and glared again. I wanted to point over her shoulder in mock surprise and then run when she turned to look.
"Zafrina. Listen. I haven't seen or talked to her in months. She was fine last I saw her, better than fine. Whatever is going on, it wasn't me. Now please tell me what you know. Please."
Her eyes narrowed as she took in my begging. Yes I was begging. Sorry fool that I was.
"You look as bad as she does."
"Who?" I said, closing my eyes.
"What do you mean, who?"
"You've seen her? She's here?" The eyes popped back open.
My voice hadn't been that high since middle school. I peered around her shoulder and she shook her head.
"She's not here."
There went that last breath of hope, it dropped to the floor like an empty balloon.
"Oh. I thought you saw her. I didn't…I misunderstood."
"She refused. I tried, but she wouldn't leave the room."
My neck might have snapped at how quickly I looked up.
"But she's here? At the conference? She's in the room? I thought she didn't come. They said she didn't come," I said, reaching out and grabbing her arm.
"Who? Where are you going? I don't think she wants to—"
I didn't hear the last of her words as I ran across the patio and jumped over the low rock wall to jog to her room. Every thought I'd had all day ran through my mind as my feet sunk in the mud of the earth between us. Each step was heavier despite all efforts to move faster toward her.
The lights were on in the cabin and the door unlocked. I didn't knock and looked around confused when the front room was empty. A nagging in my head told me I hadn't understood Zafrina at all, and that horrid game of who's on first we were playing would leave me empty handed.
"Bella?" I asked and took a step towards her bedroom door.
If there was someone on the other side, they didn't make a sound.
"Bluebell? Are you in there?"
My hand moved to the knob and turned. I looked to the bed first, thinking maybe she was asleep. It was untouched, not a single wrinkle across the sheets. The room felt empty and I stepped back, retreating.
That's when I saw it, a slight movement of the figure leaning against the glass of the sliding door. Her head was pressed against it and it was her hand that had moved. It was balled up in a fist and tapping against her leg in a steady rhythm. She was unrecognizable.
My hand went to my shirt, gripping it where my heart pulsed beneath. I wanted to free the quaking organ from my skin and shake it at her, fist full of blood.
"There's mud on the floor," her voice said, dull.
"Fuck the mud. What's going on? They said you weren't here. Zafrina chewed my ass out. I haven't heard from you. Just tell me you're okay."
Her breath fogged the glass as she scoffed and moved her head in neither a nod nor a shake.
"Bella? Just tell me." There went the prepubescent crack again. "If something has changed…if you don't want me here, all you have to do is say so."
God, please don't fucking say so.
"I wasn't coming. I didn't want to. They made me. Behind my back. Booked the whole thing, drove me to the airport. I nearly thought Renee was going to get a security clearance and walk me to the gate like a prisoner."
She stopped and her fist paused above her thigh, breaking the pattern.
"It wasn't that I didn't want to see you Edward. I didn't want you to see me."
"You're scaring the fucking shit out of me. You know that, right?" I said and dropped the shirt I was still clutching beneath my neck.
When she didn't answer I went to her. I knew she didn't want me to. The air molecules between us were heavy with the distance. She didn't move when I reached for her, made no effort to come to me. I forced her away from the glass and felt her stiffen under my hands.
"Please tell me. Please," I asked, stepping around to face her.
Her eyes were closed and she was crying. Her tears were like a sucker punch from a juice-pumping weight lifter. Everything was black and I wanted to blow chunks.
"Listen to me. If you got what you wanted, if you've figured it all out, if you and him are on and me and you are off…" I said.
"Stop talking. Just stop."
"Well, you have to tell me something then. All I can think—"
"I lost a baby."
Of every random explanation I'd formed in the last two minutes that one didn't cross my mind.
"What? Oh sh—when?" I asked and squeezed her arm where I hadn't dropped my grip.
"Couple months ago. It feels like yesterday and a year ago in the same breath. I can't make sense of time anymore. I can't make sense of anything. I don't know how I let it happen. Any of it. But I did, all of it."
"I'm so sorry, Bella. I'm so, so sorry."
"That's what you say, right? When someone tells you this. You tell them how sorry you are. But are you really? If I were standing here, six months pregnant, would you be happy for me? Because I wouldn't. There was a time when I tricked myself into believing I could be...happy. And then he was gone. He was dead and I was walking around unaware, pretending I was happy. They think I'm still grieving. You know what's worse than grief?"
I shook my head. I didn't know anything worse than this. She had broken from my grasp and was wandering the room, her movements a jerky stutter, like her words.
"Relief. That's what's worse. When I stopped feeling grief I started to feel relief. I'd give anything, anything to go back to grief."
I opened and closed my mouth. I didn't know what to say but she wasn't listening anyway.
"So, I didn't want to come. I was going to avoid you. I didn't know what was worse. Having you know I'd gotten pregnant or having you know I killed my baby. Here I am, telling you everything."
"It wasn't your fault," I said.
They were little words of comfort that offered little comfort.
"Do you know how often I hear that? Jake reminds me every day, like it's supposed to make me feel better. I'd rather him blame me."
I stared at her pacing around the room with the vague notion that she was tip toeing the edge. Her hands trembled as she waved them about. Her eyes darted from place to place like she was avoiding eye contact with inanimate objects. I knew that panic; I'd seen it before, but not on her face.
"Bella," I asked in a learned and measured tone. "When was the last time you slept?"
She waved me off and pulled at the long shirt near her hips. "It's overrated."
"Sleep? No, it isn't. You look like you haven't slept since I saw you last."
"I don't like to dream," she said, shrugging and tugging again. "I'd rather be alone with my thoughts than alone with my dreams."
A puff of air blew her hair away. I now knew why I didn't recognize her. My Bella was full of dreams. They were written on her face with every smile, line, and freckle.
"I'd rather you not be alone," I said, knowing what I had to do.
I pushed open the door she'd been leaning against when I found her and gestured across the black and soggy meadow.
"It's your choice, but there's more space at my cabin. Either way, you're going to sleep."
She sighed and rubbed her forehead, covering her eyes.
"I am really tired of being alone," she said, her resistance crumbling.
"Come on," I said, holding out my hand.
I didn't think she'd take it but after a beat, she did. She weaved her bony fingers with mine until our palms kissed. My heat burned through her cold and she went soft, but not limp, against my side. Al dente Bella.
We moved through the darkness without a sound and she grew heavier with each step. It was as though she'd been waiting to be told she could give in to her weariness, and now she just let go. I thought she might not make it to the porch.
I opened the door with the key from my pocket, turned on a lamp and the heater. Bella blinked from the dim lights and wrapped her arms around her torso.
"I never made it here, I was waiting for you. I'm sorry it's so cold. My shit is still down in the car. I'll go get it in a minute and yours too, if you want," I said.
She shook her head and picked at her lip. "Don't leave yet. Just stay with me awhile."
I know she didn't want me to see her shiver but I couldn't miss how hard it shook her. My hand drifted the nook of her lower back where it fit like a puzzle piece, and I guided her to the bed. She pulled back the blankets and fell to the pillows, closing her eyes. I climbed up next to her, on top of the blankets, and she pressed her nose against my chest.
I wanted to say something, anything that held a resemblance to encouragement. I had nothing.
"Shhh," she murmured like she heard my inner struggle. "Would you still have waited?" Her words were quiet and her breaths heavy.
"Waited for what?" I asked.
She didn't answer.
Resting my head against the headboard, I imagined the hell Bella had lived these last few months. I sorted through the broken phrases of everything she said, twisting and turning each piece until I could see how they fit together. I still felt like I was working at a puzzle without knowing what the big picture was.
She'd gotten pregnant and had a miscarriage. Those were the corner pieces, the edges. The indecipherable middle part was made up of the undertow of guilt she was drowning in. I tipped my chin until my lips found her forehead.
Just one year ago, I'd put her to sleep thinking she couldn't hurt more than she did then. I told her to dream of me, wishing that would somehow offer her the respite she needed from the pain she was living.
Her heartbeat pulsed against my lips, her forehead taught with tension, even in sleep. I kissed her again.
"Don't worry about dreaming. Just sleep, Bluebell. Just sleep."
The frown lines melted at my words as she wheezed in slumber and sank into the mattress. Someday she would dream again, when she was ready.
~~I'd love reviews more than you'd love for Bella to find herself again. Okay, maybe not because I want that too.~~
Just a note about this chapter's song selection. Sometimes I already know what songs will correspond with what chapters, sometimes I go seek them out and I always manage to find one that seems like the music and lyrics were written just for me. This week, I had such a hard time choosing a song that said what I wanted it to. Then, as it so often happens it seems, inspiration found me. I was at the ACL music festival over the weekend and heard the amazing sounds of an instrumental post-rock band called Balmorhea. This song spoke without words and it really couldn't have been more perfect. If you've never heard of Balmorhea please look them up, everything they've created is beautiful. (As always, link to the chapter song can be found in my profile)
Also, TUiB was nominated for a Glosp Award! Seriously y'all, I'm not going to fit through doorways anymore with all these awesome nominations. This time it's up for Story that Broke Your Heart Again and Again (Saddest Overall). Quite fitting at the moment, no? Anyway, head on over to glospawards(dot)blogspot(dot)com to vote!
Lastly, I posted my entry for the In the Closet Slash Contest on my profile. I see some of you have already read and reviewed, thank you! If you're into slash, or even if you're not, come check it out! My entry is very femme slash light in my opinion, lol. Very different from TUiB tried doing something a little lighter. Also my amazing beta, agirlreckoning, has posted her entry to her profile as well and is turning it into a multi-chaptered fic! Her very first one in fact :)
Thanks again, y'all. Every author must say it but I think I have the best readers in the fandom. :)
