The characters and story of Twilight lived in Stephenie Meyer's head long before I came along and read it. They belong to her. This story however, has lived in my head long before you read it and it belongs to me. I don't intend any copyright infringement and you better not either.
For my lovers, drunknessie, Sugartits, kstewfangirl, and agirlreckoning. Y'all know why you're so cool. Plus you like it when I fill your box ;). Special thanks to ms. vanessarae who offered her awesome skills to polish some of the early chaptersback when I was flying solo. I love how invested all y'all are in this story and making it great. I also love how my thank you list continues to grow. If you read, reviewed, rec'd, tweeted, wrote in sky letters, whatever, I thank you too!Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
~~The Promise, Tracy Chapman
~~BPOV~~
"Zafrina, do you hate me?"
"Why would you say that?"
"Because this wool skirt is chafing the hell out of my legs. And you still haven't told me who I'm supposed to be."
"But guessing is the part of the fun! None of us tell our characters, we all guess."
"I get that. But I should know my own costume right?"
"I can't believe you haven't guessed. I thought I made it so obvious. The bunch of wildflowers, the pheasant pin. Maybe I should have streaked coal across the blouse."
"Coal? Wait a damn minute-"
"I figured it out! I figured it out! Good one Zaf, but Bella's going to be pissed." Garrett pushed through the swaying bodies on the dance floor and pointed at me.
"No she isn't."
"Bullshit. I just want to know what Cullen said when you asked him if he could do a Derbyshire accent? Did he tell you to fuck off? Did he?"
"Derbyshire? Zafrina! Lady fucking Chatterley? Are you kidding me?" I spun around and glared at her while Garrett threw back his head to laugh.
"Don't get your panties in a bunch. I could have made you Hester Prynne."
"She's from the wrong century, Z. You didn't seriously ask Edward to be Oliver, did you?" I dug my fingernails into her arm as I stage whispered in her ear.
"No, I didn't. If I had, you might actually have killed me. Though he would make quite the Lady Chatterley's lover."
"Aw come on, pup. It's funny if you think about it," Garrett said, ruffling my hair.
"You two can tease me all you want but keep your fucking lips zipped around Edward and Jasper. This doesn't need to get back to his family."
"Jasper?" Zafrina asked. "He's quite the successful agent, isn't he? Several notable clients, has really made a name for himself."
"What's your point?" I said.
Zafrina smiled, "He's pretty smart, that one. Has a good read on people."
"So you're saying he thinks something is up?"
"I'm saying nothing. But you didn't give us the benefit of the doubt, now did you?" she answered as she drifted into the crowd.
I rolled my eyes and glanced at a grinning Garrett. "Wipe that face off your head, bitch. I'm taking no prisoners."
"No shit. Let's get you out of here. Pissed-off-Bella is amusing, but no fun." Garrett motioned across the room to Kate and crew and ushered me to the door.
"Where are we going?" Benny asked.
"This party is dullsville. Doing themes every night sort of takes the fun out of the big finale. I'm burnt out. How about the Tavern? You game?" Garrett said to the group.
"I'll meet you there. I want to get out of this scarlet letter." I tugged at the skirt that was currently burning a hole through my thigh and grimaced.
"You better come back or I'll march my ass up to that cabin and rip you out of there. You've been invisible this trip long enough. It's the last night Bells, come out and play."
I looked at each of their eager faces and laughed. When had I become so popular?
"I have every intention of returning. I just need to go slather myself in Gold Bond and prepare to drink away my pain."
When I made it back to my cabin, I dropped the skirt on the floor and wiggled into a pair of jeans. I almost left on the ridiculous lacy blouse just so I wouldn't have to deal with the row of tiny pearl buttons. After what was sure to cause an onset of carpal tunnel, I got out of the top and into something of my own.
I walked to the patio door while running my fingers through my hair. I could see nothing across the meadow, meaning that Edward's cabin was still dark. I didn't know when he'd be back or if I'd even see him tonight. The day had been entirely absent of him, and it looked like the night would be no different.
I couldn't fault him for hanging with Jasper, obviously, but also couldn't help but feel panic and dread at the thought of leaving him, without having him again. I hadn't prepared myself for that, I thought we had one more night together. I would have to get used to many more nights without him but I at least thought I could say goodbye.
I shook off the tears that wanted to come and walked back to the Tavern, and into the arms of a waiting Jameson and Ginger. I wrapped both hands around the glass and glugged greedily.
"Hey, that's mine," protested Garrett as he watched.
I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. "Not anymore it isn't. Don't pout, I'll buy you another. James, more please. Lots more."
I nodded down the bar and Garrett reached for my shoulders as I titled the glass for the last drops. He began kneading away the tension I'd built, wearing the weight of this world on my shoulders. His touch pushed at the floodgates that were already swollen and begging to burst. I put a drink in his hand as fast as I could.
"Thanks buddy," I said as his hands dropped from my back.
We stayed at the bar sipping our drinks, despite the party our friends were having at a table across the room.
"You okay, Bella?" Garrett asked without looking at me.
"Sure. Yeah, I'm fine."
"Don't let Zafrina get to you too bad. She just cares about you, you know? We all do. She's just teasing you, not judging."
"It's cool. I'm cool. Seriously."
"Aren't ready to go home yet?"
I took a deep breath and let it settle before exhaling. "Yes and no. I miss my kids so badly. I've been calling my mom everyday, but half the time I get her voicemail. She's keeping them busy and I know they're having a blast. But yeah, part of me dreads going back to the life that slowly chokes me."
"Hey, did you know that I didn't have a physical mailing address for about ten years?"
"Um, no," I said, wondering what his point was.
"I just got to this place where I realized that I could work the rest of my life, and surround myself with all kinds of stuff, but that it wouldn't really matter. I could have the nice house, the bloated bank account, the smiling wife, but it didn't make me happy. They were just things."
"You were married?"
"Yeah, for a spell. College girlfriend. Proposed the night of graduation and climbed on the hamster wheel that next week. She was a fine girl, sweet. But what she wanted from life, was exactly what I didn't."
"What did you do?"
"I let her go. I set her free. Because chaining her to my unhappiness wasn't doing either of us any favors."
"It didn't break her heart?"
"It did, at the time. But I think she realized later what I'd done for her. We weren't the same people we were when we married. She's happy now, great husband, couple of kids, big ass house. She's got what she wanted. She did not want a nomadic life on the road, owning nothing but what she could carry."
"Is everyone divorced? Does no one stay married anymore? Zafrina, you, my parents. When did forever stop being for forever?"
"I'm not sure, pet. I just didn't really know who I was when I promised her forever. That was my mistake. A marriage just doesn't work unless you have a sense of self. How can you contribute to the 'we' without understanding the 'me'?"
"And now? With Kate? Is it forever?"
"I wouldn't have done it again unless I was sure it was. Me and Garrett, are like this," he said hooking his first two fingers together. "We've spent a lot of time with each other and we were ready. What about you? Did you know who Bella was when you got that ring on your finger?"
I looked down to my ring and twisted it around with my thumb. "Not really. I don't think I know who I am now."
He set the empty glass down on the bar letting out a quiet burp. His eyes went over my head as he opened his mouth to speak, "Sounds like it's time to figure that out."
He placed a kiss on the top of my hair and patted my shoulder before walking to the table. I watched him rub Kate's belly before settling in a chair and laughing at Benny's story.
I ran my fingers along the beads of sweat on the glass and felt him approach. My shirt stood off my body from the electricity he created on my skin. I didn't want to turn, didn't want to look, in case he was with Jasper. My foot started to bounce as I feigned nonchalance.
"Hey, Bella. How are you?" he asked in an unfamiliar, formal way.
I lifted my glass in response and smiled before taking a drink. I knew now it would almost be worse being with him like this, and than not at all.
Jasper smiled at me and nodded before motioning to James.
"We'll take two of what she's got. Wait, make that three," he added as I drained my glass. "If you'll excuse me, I'm going to see a man about a horse."
We stood there awkwardly as James brought the drinks.
"This doesn't have to be weird."
" It's not weird. I'm..."
"What?"
"I have no problem just hanging out with you. Honestly it might be my favorite thing about, well, us. But it's the last night. I just didn't know last night was the actual last night. I wanted to say goodbye."
Edward closed his eyes and pushed his hands into the bar. "Break my heart why don't you?" His eyes opened as he stepped to me and took my chin in his hand. "This can't be goodbye, Bella. Tonight with Jasper is going to be practice. For us, in the real world."
"Edward, I-"
"Shh. I cannot go back and live in a world where you don't exist. I tried that once, and failed miserably. We could be…friends?"
His eyes bore into mine and I felt my resistance waver. There was a time I believed being his friend was better than nothing at all.
He shifted away and I knew Jasper must be coming back. I took another swallow of whiskey and prayed it would silence the millions of thoughts clanging around my head.
I forced my eyes away from him, and the hair I desired to run my fingers through, bringing his mouth down to mine. I glanced to Jasper who had one hand on the bar and another in his pocket playing with his change. He noticed me watching and one corner of his mouth turned up. He was cute in an artsy, bohemian kind of way. His hair was longer than Edward's, and blonde, which didn't do it for me, but I could see the appeal.
He pushed his hands through it, aware of my notice. I should have cared that he caught me staring, but I didn't. I took another drink and glanced back to him. He was studying me
like an anthropologist discovering a new colony.
"Here," he drawled to Edward, pulling his hand from his pocket. "Go liven up this joint."
Edward glanced between us before taking the change and moving to the jukebox. Jasper waited until he was across the room before turning back to me. He smiled, showing his teeth and I wasn't sure if it was calming or alarming.
"Relax, Bella, I don't bite," he said and laughed. "I'm sorry about earlier. I know I was not particularly friendly. When it comes to Edward these days, I tend to be a little protective."
"I'm pretty protective of my family too," I said with a shrug.
"He has become quite the pain in the ass little brother to me. Edward says you have kids? Two girls?"
"Yeah I do. What about you?"
"No, none for us yet. Maybe in the future." He smiled. "Esme, mother-in-law, can't wait. Do you know Esme?"
"No, not personally. I've seen her in town and stuff."
"Quite the coincidence you're from Forks."
"Small world I guess."
"Gets smaller everyday." Her grinned again and reached for his glass.
"How did you two meet?" I asked as Edward joined us at the bar. "I'm assuming not just through your book. I mean you've been married to Alice for awhile right?"
"I didn't tell you that?" Edward asked. I shook my head and he reached between Jasper and I for his drink. His leg pushed against mine and I felt the heat of our bodies spread across me.
"Funny story actually," Jasper said.
"So you met Elizabeth last year. Well, when I was living with her, she published her first book. Got snapped up by the first agent she approached. Even though she had a ton of agents begging for her manuscript, she stuck with him. Pretty much made his fucking career."
"Hey now," Jasper interrupted. "She wasn't my first sale or anything."
"She was the first one anyone noticed," Edward teased.
"So anyways, when Edward finished his first novel she insisted he query me," Jasper said.
"And the fucker turned me down cold."
"What? You turned down Vampires After Midnight?" I asked.
"No, I turned down, Edward, help me out, what was the name of that book?"
"Shut the fuck up. Okay? I know it sucked. A hundred query rejections drove that point home solid."
"Anyways. I met him again at a book launch for Elizabeth and we got to talking-"
"Only because you thought my date was hot!" Edward laughed. "He was pretty happy to find out she was my sister and not my girlfriend."
"That I was. So after I'm done fawning over Alice, she leaves early and I go ask him for her number. We get to talking, like I said, and he mentions this little vampire book he's been working on and I think it sounds interesting. The rest is history."
"You got the book and the girl," I said.
Jasper chuckled and winked. "I did, I did."
"So Elizabeth is the lynch pin again, huh?"
"I told you I owed her for some of the best things in my life." He smiled and squeezed my arm out of habit. It didn't go unnoticed by Jasper.
"So do I ," Jasper said. "Y'all are my most successful authors plus I found the love of my life. I love what I do and I do what I love." He stretched his arms over his head and yawned. "But tell me Edward, other than sending your sorry ass my way, what else has the great Elizabeth given you?"
Edward rubbed his eyebrow and smiled. "Pretty much everything."
I lifted my glass again to hide my grin and sneaked a peek at Jasper. He'd dropped his arms to pull out his button down shirt and take his tie over his head. He looked like a kid tired of playing dress up and depositing his wears as he went.
"On that note I'm going to take my leave. I need to hit the hay before the long drive tomorrow." His hand clapped Edward's shoulder. "You two kids have fun, you hear?"
He finished his drink and waved to Garrett across the room before heading out the door. I looked back to Edward who shook his head and laughed.
"Where is he from? I love his accent."
"Yeah, that's what roped Alice in too. Texas somewhere. I can't remember the name of the town at the moment. I've got more whiskey than blood in my veins."
I put my fingers to his wrist to feel his heartbeat. "Were you guys out somewhere?"
"Went in to town for awhile. Found a biker bar out of the way, had some laughs and a bottle of Jack. Trying to forget I'm leaving you tomorrow." He took my hand to his mouth and kissed it.
"No more. I can't talk about goodbye anymore tonight."
"What do you want to talk about?"
"Truthfully I don't really want to talk at all," I said and he laughed, "but I would like to know if you've had a chance to read what I gave you."
He grimaced ever so faintly but I noticed.
"Oh God. You hate it. That's why you haven't said anything, you didn't know how to tell me."
"No, Bella, stop. I don't hate it. I haven't said anything because I wasn't sure what to say. And I'm not entirely done with it. I needed to think on it a bit."
"So what are you thinking?"
"You are an immensely talented writer. You can turn a phrase in ways I've never heard before. And you have a knack for storytelling, you draw the reader in from the beginning. Even the smallest plot points don't get lost."
"But? There's a but, right?" I chewed my lips, nervous for the answer.
"Not a but. Well sort of, a small but." He took a deep breath and my anxiety grew. "This is a good story but I think, maybe, it's too close to home. You've written something I can so clearly see you in, that I'm worried this subject matter can't be dealt with objectively by you. In turn, it's sort of crippling your writing." He cringed as he spoke.
I took a minute to absorb his words. I thought I knew what he meant. In fact, I knew I did. There had been something about the story that didn't sit right with me either. It was what kept that feeling of hesitation building up, prompting me to work on other projects, rather than finish and submit it. I was too close to the protagonist without even truly realizing it, I'd written myself.
"You're too quiet. Fuck, Bluebell. This isn't an insult, okay? Your writing is beyond amazing. You are really fucking talented. But you're just too close to the subject matter to be multi-faceted about it. I think you should take your original idea, a marriage that crumbles, but make the catalyst be something besides an affair, you know? Say something."
"I'm listening. I'm not offended, I promise. I actually am really listening because you've said exactly what I haven't been able to put my finger on."
Edward sighed in relief and took my hands in his. "It's just not everything I know you're capable of. Plus, you don't want to publish something so personal. Can you imagine people you know reading it? Seeing you and Jake in it? Critiquing your character choices and actions? As writers we put ourselves into everything we write, but not literally. You can't do it. It would destroy you."
"I understand. I get it, I do."
"Fuck, I feel like such an asshole."
"No you're not. I think I just took 'write what you know' a little too literally."
He laughed and pushed his cheek into my shoulder. "I made the same mistake once too. Elizabeth had to have a conversation much like this one, with me."
"She did? Was that your first book?"
"No, long before that. That first book was just crap on its own. Most authors write many manuscripts before getting published. Our first works aren't often our best. Look at it like practice, not failure. And do not stop writing. I fucking mean it. If you stop because I told you this isn't the one to get published, I will come up to Forks and kick your ass personally."
"I won't, I promise. I'm working on something else already. And this, feedback, it's—I can't even—I appreciate it so much. You did exactly what I asked. Thank you."
"Thank you for trusting me with it. And for knowing my words weren't meant to tear you down. I don't ever want to do anything but lift you up."
We sat giving each other those goofy moon-pie grins even though my heart was breaking a little. It wasn't that my ego was bruised, but my hopes were dashed. There would be no magical golden ticket for a boat ride from the predicament I'd put myself in.
"Edward?"
"Yes, Bella?"
"Can we be done talking ourselves sober again? Why do we always do that?"
"Because we like to talk to each other as much as we like to fuck each other?"
I threw my head back and laughed so loud Garrett's group stopped their chatter and looked to us. Edward was still holding my hand, resting his face on the other, his elbow perched on the bar, our knees knocked together. I realized how we must of looked, but I was getting past the point of caring. They'd all made it clear how much they knew anyways. I smiled at Benny as their conversation picked up again.
"James? I heard something about a bottle of tequila?"
"Old Vick relayed the message, huh?" James said producing a bottle from behind the bar.
"Now that's what I'm talking about. Good job, kind sir."
James moved to open the blue top and Edward stopped him.
"We'll be taking this to go, don't you think?" he asked and I nodded. He reached for the bottle. "Charge it to me, limes too. And I'm stealing a salt shaker." He shook a finger at James and grinned.
"Gank some shot glasses too," I said and I grabbed them off the bar.
"You heard the lady, shot glasses too. Oh, and do me a favor. Put their tab on my bill also, okay?"
His arm went around me as we waved to Garrett, Benny and the gang. As soon as we were outside the door, he put his mouth on mine and pushed his tongue inside. My hands gripped the glasses as our arms wrapped around each other.
"Edward," I panted, "not here. The party is letting out, there's people…"
"Sorry, I couldn't wait another fucking minute to do that. And I hope you don't mind I just rushed us out on the group. But I wasn't going to spend another night sucking salt off your wrist and wishing I could have you naked."
"No apologies necessary. I want nothing more for you to suck salt off me naked."
His free hand plunged past the waistband of my jeans to the buzzing warmth that was building beneath.
"Fuck, you know how badly I wanted to do this then, right? I've showed you that? A year ago, exactly a year ago I thought I would break if I couldn't have you."
"What a difference a year makes," I whispered in his ear. My tongue flicked at his lobe and he
shivered.
He pressed into my clit before bringing his hands back out of my pants. "Get your ass up that hill as fast as those legs can carry you. Or I'm going to take you right there on the road, fuck all who could see."
I wiggled from his grasp and broke out in a run, glad I'd put on my trusty old sneakers. Otherwise, I'd be tripping over myself, and he'd think I'd given up and lay on the road, to be taken like a dog in heat.
I opened the door and ran in the cabin and he lapped at my feet like fire across a streak of gasoline. I set the glasses on the table and turned to see him tossing the tequila and bag of limes on the couch. He ripped off his shirt over his head and took off his shoes. He stood, chest heaving and pointed to me. I kicked off my sneakers and he shook his head. I tugged on my shirt and he nodded slowly.
I looked down at the buttons of the plaid shirt and pretended to struggle with them. He took a step to me and I stepped back, shaking my head and putting my hand out. He gripped the back of the chair at the table and watched me work each one open; one at a time and painfully slow. I kept the shirt closed despite being unbuttoned, only letting him peek at the lace beneath. If he wanted to play, I would play.
When all the buttons were done, he pointed at the floor and I brought my hands to each lapel to pull it back, unwrapping myself for him. I left the shirt on the floor and shook my hair down my back. He pointed again to his bare chest and my bra and I smiled knowing what he wanted. Rather than unclasping the bra and taking it right off, I slid each strap off my shoulder and pulled my arms out. I tucked one hand inside and lifted each breast out as the bra slid down to my waist.
He groaned as I cupped my own breasts and I licked my lips to smile again. I unhooked the bra while he panted. His hands went to the buttons of his fly and he kicked his pants across the room. I put my fingers to my jeans when he pointed to me, knowing the crotch would stick against me as I pulled them down. This game of show and tell was firing all the right buttons.
I could see him bulging against the fabric of his shorts and I tugged at my panties to loosen the string riding into my slit. He stepped around from the table but kept the same distance as he yanked them down and freed himself. I hooked the corners of the lace again and pushed them down slowly. He reached for himself as he watched me and moved his erection in his hand. I flicked the panties off my ankles and danced my fingers across my hip.
His eyes circled in surprise when I let my hand dip down to touch myself. I wet my fingertips and brought them to my breast enclosing my nipple in their warmth, pinching and pulling. My other hand went back to the throbbing center and I pushed against its ache knowing I was making him crazy.
He pumped himself harder as he watched, his eyes crazed and his mouth hanging open. I couldn't help but giggle as I backed myself toward the bed. He took a few steps closer to maintain the distance but didn't come any further. I perched on the edge of the bed opening my legs and giving him the view he wanted. He growled and I laughed, slipping one finger inside.
"Fuck, Bella. Oh my God, what are you doing to me? Watching you finger yourself. Holy fuck."
"Do you like it?" I asked, suddenly shy.
"Are you kidding me? It's the hottest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life."
I closed my eyes and smiled as I worked myself. He made me want to do things I'd never even thought of before. I just wanted to feel sexy, beautiful and desired but he took those to another level. I opened my eyes, to watch him watch me, and saw that he was closer than before and was holding a packet in his hand.
I could feel myself buzzing with want, seeing him stroke himself and preparing to take me. Just the thought of him inside me made my stomach drop and my sex clench against my hand.
"Do you want me…to wait?" I struggled with the words as I felt the first wave rise in my stomach.
"I want you to come. On my dick," he said, pouncing forward and pushing my hand away as he thrust into me in one smooth motion.
What was empty, was suddenly filled, and I flew back on the bed unable to support myself under the release of orgasm. His hand went to my nipples as I squeezed him from inside. He held steady as I rode him out and when I finally stopped shaking beneath him, he moved again, slowly, holding my hips at the edge of the bed where he stood.
He stared at my face as we drove ourselves against each other and even though we'd done this before, many times before, I blushed under his watchful eye. The red of my cheeks made him smile and he reached out to touch them.
"You are so beautiful, Bluebell. And you don't even know it."
I sat up to kiss his lips and pulled him down to me. I wrapped my arms around his neck letting him support the arc I'd created with my body as his hands grabbed my ass to pull me in closer. We moved together again with his teeth sunk in my bottom lip. I whimpered as I felt him grow inside me and I tightened against him again.
"Edward," I cried unable to stop myself from calling his name. His name was all my mouth wanted to say.
"Bella, my Bella," he whispered on my neck before grunting and screaming as he came.
The force of him filling me was the final strike and I let myself go, to quake against him again. I bit at his shoulder, pulled at his hair, and wrapped my ankles around his back to pull him in as far as he could possibly go. His name would not stop rolling from my tongue and by the time we both collapsed in stillness, I must have said it a thousand times.
"You made me scream like a girl," he wheezed.
"You made me come twice," I said, equally out of breath.
"Get used to it. There's Gatorade in the fridge, we're doing that again."
I laughed and nipped his shoulder, running my tongue along the indent left by my teeth when I came.
"I don't want to sleep tonight. I don't want to eat, I don't even care if I breathe. All I want to do until I have to leave tomorrow, is this."
He took my face in his hands and pushed away my hair. He held me for a minute and then brushed his lips across mine. He sighed and touched the tips of our noses together. I knew what he wanted to say because I thought it too.
"I don't know how I'm going to be able to say goodbye to you."
There it was; the impossible thing we'd have to do. We'd done it to ourselves and now we'd have to live with it. I was lying in the proverbial bed, so to speak. I swallowed my pain and turned to him.
"But it's not goodbye, it's until we meet again."
He gazed in my eyes running his thumb across my cheek. "You'll come back to me?"
"That is a promise I can keep."
~~ I'd love reviews more than you'd love for them to figure this whole mess out.~~
Also, my Ruth (ie publicist), drunknessie, is practically dying for this fic to pass 1000 reviews on FFN. She thinks y'all can make that happen this update. I told her not to be such a whip cracker but she promised if it happened she'd crack the whip on me harder to get the next update out faster. I think we should up that ante and if it does happen, I'll post an outtake voted by popular opinion. So get me to 1000, leave what you'd like an outtake of, and we'll see what happens ;)
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