TUiB: 23- Blinding

The characters and story of Twilight lived in Stephenie Meyer's head long before I came along and read it. They belong to her. This story however, has lived in my head long before you read it and it belongs to me. I don't intend any copyright infringement and you better not either.

This week I'm handing out my love yous to y'all first. You got me way closer to a thousand than I could ever dream! And unless you've all disappeared on me I'm going to pass that mark shortly after this posts. That's freaking amazing! It was really cool to see new names amongst the reviews with some old favorites. I posted this a wee bit sooner, a week later rather than a week and a half so we're making progress even without getting to the goal because you deserve to be rewarded! I will also be working on an outtake, though not all of you told me what you wanted! I know the story can't be missing any gaps for so many of y'all ;)

Now the love for the much deserving TUiB team, drunknessie, sugartits, kstewfangirl, agirlreckoning, thanks for being the types of friends a girl can call on anytime. You're the best!

And I could hear the thunder and see the lightening crack

And all around the world was waking, I never could go back

‘Cause all the walls of dreaming, they were torn right open

And finally it seemed, that the spell was broken

~~Blinding, Florence and the Machine

~~BPOV~~

I let myself wallow in the loss of him only until Seattle, no further. I shouldn’t have taken it over state lines in the first place. My mourning should have been left at the edge of California and Oregon rather than smuggled across with me like illegal fruit. I half expected the state border patrol to greet me at the gates. “Ma’am we’re aware you’re harboring a broken heart and a bunch of bananas. We’re going to have to take you in.”

We hit turbulence on the descent surrounded by a perpetual rain storm. It was too dark for day and the rain was louder than I remembered it, angry and forceful. It was the kind of rain that could power wash a car or wipe a slate clean.

I had two hours to kill before hopping on the miniature plane that would lead me home. I soaked in the buzzing metropolis of airport life. I watched the hurried families struggling with keeping count of their carry ons and their children. I saw the seasoned travelers pushing past them all using their briefcases to split through the sea of bodies. I marveled at the flight attendants and pilots leaving one destination for another never ending up where they started. I wondered how they could stand being away from their families, their lovers.

Edward and I hadn’t slept the night before. We were too greedy in our worship of each other. It was a sacrilegious and somewhat holy way to spend the early hours of a Sunday. My head was nestled in the crook of his arm as he trailed his fingertips across my skin like he was memorizing each curve of my body. He sometimes spoke in whisper and I stared out the window waiting for dawn and this dream to break. Neither of us wanted to move from the cabin, it was already over and the rest of the day would move us closer to the end.

After the key note address, he followed me out on the patio for old time’s sake. He didn’t offer to drive me this time, knowing my answer and the reality of Jasper’s presence at our goodbye. He said we’d “keep in touch,” like we were exchanging addresses at the close of summer camp or writing “stay cool” in our yearbooks. You always wrote your number, you never called, that’s just how it was.

The announcement for my flight broke me from my memories. My face was against the glass of the windows. I’d been peering at the gray above the tarmac half expecting a sky writer to spell out all the answers. Not that I’d see it amongst the storm clouds sodden with rain. As I climbed the stairs of the plane that would take me home, I turned and gave one last look at Seattle. Last year I left him in Monterey, this year I carried him here and this is where he had to stay.

The plane came down again as soon as it went up and I pushed through the baggage claim looking for Renee and the girls outside. I saw my Subaru and moved towards it but a salt and peppered grandfather climbed out to help his wife with her bags. I looked around again going right over the rusted red truck and the man leaning against it. I recognized the truck before I did him.

I worried that he might see a physical difference in me, that a week in the bed of another man might be etched into the lines on my face. I thought back to the years he’d been with her and how I’d been unable or unwilling to see. These seven days apart were like getting a new eyeglass prescription. The details of his face were clearer more crisp; when had he matured? When had he lost the boyish roundness of his cheeks, the innocence in his smile? Had this chiseled maturity really happened just now? How long had it been since I noticed him?

I smiled as he waved to me and moved to open the door. He took my bag and kissed my cheek. The heat was blowing in the cab and my iced fingers were grateful for the warmth. I watched him lift my suitcase into the bed of the truck as the wolf dog panted beside me. I could feel her staring at my face, willing me to acknowledge her. I gave her a glance and her ears perked.

“Alright fine. You scraggly mutt,” I said, scratching beneath her chin.

“Man it’s cold out there,” he said as he climbed in the truck and pointed a vent towards his face. “How are you? How was your flight?”

“It’s freezing. And it was good, uneventful so good.”

“Yeah really. I forgot to check for delays before I headed it out this way but it worked out.”

“What are you doing here? I expected Renee.” I cringed when I realized how that sounded. The dumb dog was laying her head in my lap.

“Truck needed new tires. Besides this rain, it’s been freezing temps at night. There’s ice on the roads in morning.”

“I barely drive her anymore. Could have just waited a few more months.”

“Yeah well, better safe than sorry. Do you mind if we make a quick stop? I need to pick something up for work.”

“Yeah, whatever, that’s fine.”

We maneuvered through the streets of Port Angeles before he parked just off the main drag. He left the truck running as he darted down an alley and I fiddled with the radio. The presets were changed to different stations. The dog stood up and tried to crawl in my lap and I struggled to see around her while I programmed them back. She was insistent on getting in my face and bugging the shit out of me.

“What?” I asked her, exasperated.

She stared in my eyes and whimpered before nudging her wet nose in the center of my chest before making a few turns in my lap and curling into a ball. Stupid dog thought she was a cat. She was warm so I wasn’t about to push her off even though I’d be covered in her coat.

Jake ran back through the alley just as the sky released again. His jog quickened towards the truck and he shook the rain from his hair before jumping in. He had a manila envelope tucked into the waist band of his jeans protected from the rain by his coat. He smiled before putting the truck in reverse.

“God Belly, it feels like forever since I’ve seen you. Did your hair grow?”

I laughed. “I was thinking the same thing. Hey, how is Sarah? I haven’t talked to Renee in a couple days.”

“She’s totally fine, really. I had the girls yesterday. Went over to Sue’s for awhile so I could work on that front step for her. They had a ball.”

Of course.

“Where was Renee?”

“You wouldn’t believe it if I told you.”

“What?”

“She was fishing. With your father.”

“What? You’re right I don’t believe you. What the duck is up with those two? Has he been around, like, the whole week?”

“As far as I’ve seen but I was on that trip and then, well you know I was busy with work and stuff.”

Stuff, yeah I know all about stuff. I’d been pretty distracted with my own stuff this week.

“They aren’t…? You don’t think…”

“Ew. That’s the last thing I want to think about and no I don’t really think. Honestly? They probably have just gotten to a point where they are passed, well, the past. I think they enjoy each other’s company again.”

I mulled over his words as I followed the rain drops snaking down the windshield. Being with him wasn’t as strange as I’d imagined. I didn’t feel the pin prickles of guilt I thought his presence would bring. Nor was there the undercurrent of rage churning to the surface that had been a constant the last few months. Through my own indiscretions, I’d been able to let go some of the blame. We were both living the same lie, sheltering the same secrets.

“Did you have a good time?” He asked when we passed the Welcome to Forks sign.

“I did. I learned a lot.” Did I say the same thing last year? Did he care any more this year?

He popped in a stick of gum and nodded. He didn’t have anything else to say. I didn’t expect him to.

When we got to the house I ran ahead of him eager to see the girls. “Sarah? Charlotte? Where are you guys?” I called through the house.

I followed the sound of giggles to the small back room and under a makeshift tent. I smiled when I saw the girls as they played with Renee unaware of my entrance.

“Mama,” Charlotte said getting up and promptly tripping over her own feet in her haste. Her arms wrapped my neck.

“No! No! No!” Sarah screeched standing up and yanking down the blankets. “Look what you did,” she said accusing me.

“Sarah! Stop that. I did not knock down your fort that was your own fault. Please come and say hello to me.” I scolded her and looked to Renee in shock.

“I want Grandma! I don’t want Grandma to leave.”

“I’m not leaving yet, baby girl. It’s okay. Come say hi to your mommy.” Renee rubbed her back and patted my arm. I guessed it was obvious how shitty I felt.

For the rest of the night Sarah howled like a jackal anytime I tried to touch her or do anything for her. She refused to eat the food I made or drink the juice I poured. Every time it was the same complaint, “I want Grandma to do it.” If she was punishing me for leaving her, she was doing a damn good job at it.

After she refused to let me put her to bed, I grabbed a bottle of wine Renee must have bought and headed for the back porch. The woods were dark beyond our yard and I listened to the sounds of the forest.

“Want some company?” The back door yawned open and her head peeked out.

“Sure.” I scooted over on the swing and opened up the blanket for her to crawl beneath.

“So how was the conference?”

“Really good. Though coming home has kind of sucked.”

“Oh don’t mind Sarah. It’s just the age. You did the same thing at that age.”

“I did? Where’d you go?”

“Oh, when your dad would come down to California when you were real little. He’d take you for his week in the summer.”

“I didn’t know I went with him at that age. I remember it when I was older for sure.”

“Well you remember we lived there for a few years. That’s how the whole California thing started. You were too small to send on an airplane and I think he liked a week in the sunshine. I think it’s funny that’s where you go now, for your escape.”

I lifted the glass to my mouth and let it fill with the tart wine. “How’d you end up there anyways? When you left?”

Renee wrinkled her nose and spun the wine in her glass. “Your father never said anything about that?”

“I’m not even sure what you mean.”

“Well I’ll give him that. He never was a shit talker.”

“The only thing Dad ever said about it was that you were always meant to just pass through this town and it was his mistake trying to keep you.”

“Hmm well, I guess he’s kind too. Truth is, Bella, I walked out on your dad and our marriage for another man. I followed him all the way to the Golden State.”

“What? How do I not remember this? Who was he?”

“We weren’t together very long. That’s why you don’t remember. You were a baby when we left here and you were still a baby when I left him.”

“Was he from here?”

“No, he was just passing through. We worked our way down the circuit until he stopped in Riverside and then we lived with his folks for awhile.”

“What ‘circuit’?”

“Um, the carnival. He was a performer in a traveling carnival.”

“Wait a minute. You mean to tell me you left Dad for a carny? Seriously? How did I not know this?”

“Come on. It’s not something I’m proud of. And it’s not easy for me to tell you all this, not even now. I thought I loved him. I thought I’d see the world, make something out of myself. Long after he was gone I kept chasing that dream down the wrong streets. It took awhile until I learned better.” She stretched her arms out in front of her and rotated her neck.

“And what did you learn? For curiosity’s sake?”

“I’m old, Bells. I’ve learned a lot. Regretted a lot. Sang a lot of Joni Mitchell. Don’t it always seem to go…”

“You regret leaving Dad?”

“Um. Maybe. Yeah. I regret not giving it a chance. I was young and stupid and thinking about myself. If I hadn’t been so selfish I think it could have worked between us. Hell I don’t know. I’ve put a lot of years and a lot of miles from all this but something about being here, it sort of reminds me of what I missed. And what you missed. I regret what I took from you the most, Bella.”

I frowned at my wine and stuck my thumb nail in my mouth.

“Where’s all this coming from anyways? You okay?”

“What? I’m fine.” I shook my head in emphasis. “Just wondering. You and Dad have seemed pretty chummy. I heard something about a fishing trip yesterday? And at dinner you asked about changing your flight to stay a few more days. Is everything okay with you and Phil?”

“Oh honey, me and Phil are fine. And me and your dad, well, it’s…I don’t know. I just like hanging out with him. It’s nice, for the girls you know, that they can have us both like kids with normal grandparents.”

“Oh you guys are far from normal.”

“Geez thanks,” she said, smiling and swatting my arm.

“I’m glad you want to stay a little longer, Mom. I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too, sweetie.” She wrapped an arm around me and pulled my head against her shoulder.

I settled against her feeling small in her arms though we were the same size. She pushed the swing with one foot on the porch and branches cracked on the forest floor.

“Were you mad when I married Jake?”

“We’re just airing all our shit aren’t we?” She smoothed my forehead with her hand. “I wasn’t mad at you, Bella. Disappointed maybe, a little. I didn’t handle it well and I’m sorry. I just wanted more for you. I didn’t want you to be damned to make every mistake I did. But I’m so proud of you now. You’re a wonderful wife and mother. I should have known not to worry. You were never the idiot I was.”

There it was, the guilt I’d been waiting for. It filled my stomach like too much air in a bloated tire. I exhaled in hopes of letting some of it out. No dice.

“I’m pretty tired, I think I’m going to turn in. You coming?” I said.

“In a little bit. It’s actually nice out. Leave the wine and the blanket.”

I left her snuggled on the porch and found Jake passed out on the couch despite the basketball game blaring on the TV. His arms were crossed and he was clutching the remote like a true couch commando.

“Jake,” I nudged him. “Jake, wake up, come to bed.”

His eyes fluttered and he peered at me. “Ah man. I was having the weirdest dream. We were pirates and you attacked my ship. We were sword fighting to the death. And there was this pig…” His voice trailed off and he shuddered.

“To bed with you. You’re delirious.”

He stood up and followed me to our room and crashed before I could even get the light off. I climbed into the bed that was smaller than the one I’d been in this week but he felt further away. I scooted closer to the center, looking for his warmth to heat me, and pressed my nose into his back.

Within minutes, or maybe it was hours, I was on a Ferris wheel grasping my girls. They wanted to look over the edge but I was scared they would fall right over. Charlotte stayed in my lap like I’d asked but Sarah would not stop wiggling.

The car began to shake and tip and with each pivot we came closer and closer to falling out. I yelled for help and the operator brought the wheel round and kissed my hand as I stepped from the bucket. I could feel the empty spaces where there should have been teeth behind his chapped lips. I yanked my hand away and saw Edward’s pout beneath the grime and muck of the carny’s face.

His grasp tightened on my hand as my children scampered away to climb aboard the pirate ship that was lifting from the ground. I pleaded for him to go with me or let me go but he just laughed and pushed me back on the wheel. I climbed higher and higher only to reach the pinnacle for one last glimpse of my babies on a ship to Never Never Land.

I sat up in bed, covered in sweat and gripping the mattress. My heart was threatening to claw out through my throat and if there was air in the room, I couldn’t find it.

I forced myself to lie back against the pillows and let the image water from my mind. Jake was still sleeping, my startle hadn’t woke him. I matched my breaths to his and willed myself not to dream.

~~I'd love reviews more than you'd love for Bella to lay off the nightmares and dream of Edward~~