XoXos to KatieTv and SugarTits for the pre-reading and the hand holding and the love (and the answering of stupid questions, whats the difference between a hit and a view? will the world implode when I hit the publish story button? why the hell won't my computer let me use msn messenger?) And much love to those who reviewed/alerted/favorited yesterday. I squeed for each one of you.
I had Chapter 2 written already so I decided to post it now. However, the tiny people that run around here and call themselves my children will not let me keep up with daily posting. But I promise I'll be frequent.
The story is rated M for a reason. We start to delve into adult issues here folks. If you're not an adult move along. This probably wouldn't interest you anyways.
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What do I have to do? To make you happy?
What do I have to do? To make you understand?
What do I have to do? To make you want me?
But if I can't make you want me...what do I have to do?
~What Do I Have To Do, Stabbing Westward
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~~BPOV~~
"You okay?" Emily reached out and grazed my forearm with her soft fingertips. "You're a million miles away."
I shook my head to clear the dancing visions of freedom and focused on the face across from me. "Only about a thousand actually."
"What's that?" she said.
I shook my head and shrugged unsure whether or not to tell her. I knew she wouldn't say anything if I asked her not to but I wasn't sure I even had the balls to ask Jake if I could go. But then again, I'd already told Renee and she'd be on me like flies on butter to make sure it happened.
"Bel-la," she said with a knowing look, "what's up?"
"Um, I sort of signed up for this conference in California next month without asking Jake first. I'm trying to figure out a way to tell him without pissing him off." I slid my arms across the table and turned my palms up.
Emily's eyes widened and she leaned in to whisper. "Oooh Bella, what kind of conference?"
"Writing. You know like authors and stuff. It's for people who write. And people like me who want to write. I got a discount because it's so close to it. I guess they want to fill up space. It's huge though. They take over this retreat conference center place, the whole thing. And you spend all day in workshops learning the craft." I tucked my chin into my chest and smiled.
"Look at you Bella, you're glowing!" she said.
"I am?" I touched my cheek and felt the warmth of flush. "I am so excited Em. I don't want him to say no."
"How could he say no to that face? It's the same one Sarah makes when she begs for cookies." Emily laughed and leaned in again. "Seriously Bella, he'll say yes to make you happy, you know he will. Just make him happy before you ask. Fill his belly with my fish and beer, take him home, seduce him, and ask. Any man will say yes to his woman after an orgasm."
I gave her a small smile. I wished it were that easy, little did she know.
"What are you two whispering about? Swapping bedroom advice?"
My head snapped up at the sound of Leah's haughty voice. She stood at the end of the picnic table, arms crossed, one eyebrow raised over a dark crescent of thick lashes. She smirked at me and I rolled my eyes at her. Smug bitch. Nobody told me she'd be here.
"Hey Cuz! You're half right, I was teaching Bella the fine art of getting what she wants out of her man." Leah's eyebrow shot higher and her smirk deepened as Emily rushed to finish. "Wait that didn't sound right! I meant that in a non sexual way."
"Sure you did. Well Bella, if you need any tips let me know." She leaned forward on her arms and her long hair swished across her back.
"Yeah, no. I'm good. Thanks. I've just got to talk to Jake about something and Emily was giving me ideas on how to approach him. You know from one wife to another."
Leah's almond eyes narrowed and her elbows straightened. "Right of course. You married girls have to stick together. I wouldn't know a thing about all that, thank God. I much prefer doing what I want, when I want."
"And who you want," I whispered into my shoulder as I turned to look at the game of flag football starting on the lawn.
"Come again?" Leah asked as she pushed off the table and adjusted her top.
"Hmm? I didn't say anything," I lied.
"Whatever. I'm getting in on that." Leah pointed to the field and jogged to the group of guys organizing teams and sticking shirts in their waistbands. Paul gave her a double high five as Jake and Sam fought over whose team she'd go to.
"What?" I said to Emily who was giving me a look.
"Be nice Bella."
"Yes ma'am. But if she pulls her shirt off too, I'm leaving." I jacked my thumb over my shoulder at the half naked wolf pack leering at their newest teammate.
I got that Leah was her cousin and therefore Emily couldn't or wouldn't say anything bad about her despite the fact that she thought it. We got bombed one time at a beach bonfire and Emily had admitted in a drunken stupor that she couldn't stand Leah just as much as me but was still ridden with guilt for snatching Sam away from her. I thought she was crazy. Sam and Leah dated briefly, ages ago, but Sam had a bigger brain in his head than his dick because he wisely fell in love with Emily and they've been happily ever after since. I thought their ten plus years of marriage and their litter of gorgeous children was more than enough to trump Leah's woman scorned card. Emily needed to stop feeling guilty and Leah needed to get the hell over it.
"Bella?" Emily was smiling at me.
"What? Sorry. Wasn't listening."
"Yeah I could tell. All I was saying was you worry too much. Just ask Jake, he'll be cool. And you know if he's not he'll come to Sam so I'll tell Sam to tell him to chill."
I smirked at her. She was right. It was like when Kim wanted a new car so Emily told Sam to take a look at her old one. And Sam told Jared that his wife's car was a death trap. Presto, Kim had a new, well new used, car that weekend. He yielded a lot of power and us wives used it to our full advantage via the ever convincing Emily Uley.
"Hey! Uh-uh! Stop that!" Emily leaped from the table and crossed the yard to her young sons. "What is that in your hand? Is that dog poop? Why are you touching dog poop? What do you mean you're making pie? Did you eat the pie you made? Did you? You did? You ate the pie made of dog poop? Yes? Oh God! SAAAMMMMM!"
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"You just about ready Bella?" Jake said from the adirondack chair to my right.
We were all circled around the fire pit and I had tucked myself into a ball trying to seal in my body heat. Sarah had gone inside with the Uley girls ages ago and I could see them through the sliding glass door dancing across the living room. Charlotte had lain down in the soft grass at my feet and fell asleep, cheek to the earth and bottom to the sky.
"Yeah, I'm ready. We should have gone awhile ago. Poor Charlotte." We all looked down at her back rising and falling with soft breaths.
"She doesn't seem to mind," Sam said.
"Nah," Jake said while he pulled himself up to stand, "she's like Bella. Girl can pass out anywhere." His hand reached over to ruffle my hair.
"Come here baby," I whispered into her sleeping back as I pulled her off the ground and into my chest. She collapsed onto my shoulder without a sound. "Jake, will you get Sarah?"
"Give me the hard job. Sure you take the cuddly baby and leave me to hog tie the demon hopped up on sugar and Hannah Montana." Jake groaned and stretched his arms above his head before he reached out to clasp Sam's hand. "Thanks for having us man. We had a great time."
"Of course, of course. We'll talk on Monday about that new contract, okay?" Sam said.
"Sounds good." Jake turned to me, waiting.
I waved to the group collectively and moved towards Emily to say goodnight. She stood to hug me and softly whispered to my ear, "good luck." I blushed and nodded and saw Jake watching.
I moved towards the car and he to the house. I could hear Sarah arguing with him but not a second later he emerged with her on his shoulders. That is why I sent him. If it had been me she would have fought for at least ten minutes screaming and running around the room to avoid my grasp. She only gave him an ounce of defiance when she gave me a pound.
The drive home was quiet and we didn't speak again until we shut the door to their room grinning at the successful car seat to bed transfer.
"I guess we'll brush their teeth twice in the morning?" I said and smiled up at Jake.
"They'll live," he said wrapping his arms around my neck and pressing my face into his chest.
I felt his warmth and relaxed into it. Jake sighed and kissed the top of my head loosening his grip to run his hand down my back. I wanted to take Emily's advice. It had been so long. I pressed my lips into his t-shirt and thought of his wiggling eyebrows when I shaved my legs that afternoon.
"Come on," I said. I pulled back from him and tugged at his arm.
"Where are we going?"
"To bed." I walked backwards down the hall pulling at the unmoving statue in front of me. "Come on." I said again.
He opened his mouth, no doubt to protest my suggestion, and closed it again. He took a tiny step forward and then looked back to the girls' door.
"They're asleep Jake. They're fine. Please." I kept my irritation in check. If he makes me beg for it only to get shot down I swear to Buddha I'm going to knee him in the balls. I can't take that kind of blow to my ego again.
"Yeah, okay. Okay." He took a deep breath and followed me into our room.
I moved in to kiss him and found myself pushing to part his lips. I fumbled with his belt to drop his pants. His hands found mine and pulled them up around his neck. I kissed him again and he clutched me to him. I reached for his pants and he stopped me.
"Slow down Bella." He gave my lips a peck and hugged me.
"For what? I want you naked. I need you. I want to touch you. I want you to touch me. I know you've thought about it. I saw you looking at me in the tub."
Jake squirmed and pulled away, "Don't. You know that doesn't turn me on. Don't talk like that."
This again. We'd been here before. I should have known. God forbid I opened my mouth to tell him how I felt, what I wanted. I thought I was doing him a favor, telling him rather than expecting him to know. It had been clear to me for a long time he had no idea how to read me or anticipate my needs. Didn't know how or didn't care enough to, I wasn't sure which it was.
It started when I got pregnant with Sarah. At first I thought it was that typical "I don't want to hurt the baby" expectant dad fear. The longer it went on the more I had to convince myself that it wasn't because he didn't find me attractive any more. He told me all the time I was beautiful carrying his baby. And after she was born, I deduced it was the shock of witnessing the trauma that is childbirth. Then I figured it was the exhaustion of being new parents before I came to realize my husband just didn't want to have sex with me anymore. Sometimes he'd flirt or eye me suggestively but when it came down to it he wouldn't let his dick cash the check.
I thought maybe they were all like this. I'd heard the jokes, sex was non-existent after kids. But the punch line usually revolved around the chick not the guy. It wasn't until a rowdy girls-night-out in Port Angeles with Emily, Kim and Claire that I realized we were not the norm. In fact, from the way those girls told it, we were so far from the norm I couldn't have found it with a compass, a map, and a neon flashing sign.
Emily shared, through champagne induced giggles, how much better her sex life was than it'd ever been before. Having kids meant anticipation for them. They couldn't just do it whenever they wanted like when they were first married. Now they had to find the time, sneak away, make innocent sounding suggestions to one another over dinner. The lead up was the best foreplay she'd ever had. It was a scavenger hunt and sex was the prize. And Sam delighted in relishing his treasure.
For Kim it was what I had expected. When her kids were little she was too tired for it but the older they got the more they found time to make it happen. Claire said her sex life was pretty much the same just without so much hooting and hollering. That led to a hysterical laughing fit amongst the three of them that bailed me out of having to share. Because there was no way I was going to tell them about the involuntary vow of celibacy I'd apparently entered into.
It wasn't like I wanted it all the time. There were days when the girls were so clingy they sucked the life out of me like greedy little vampires. Sometimes, by the time I crawled into bed at night I was all touched out. What I didn't need was Jake making me feel like a whore every time I asked for it. I played mother Madonna all day long but at night I could separate those roles when it seemed he could not.
"Let's just go to bed. Sorry I said anything." I walked to the bathroom to ready for bed. When I returned he was sitting on the edge the mattress in his boxers.
"What did you want to ask me?"
"What do you mean?"
"Leah said you'd be 'pretty convincing' tonight to get your way. So what is that you want?" Jake looked up to me and raised his brows.
I sighed. Of course she had to ruin this. "That's not what this is about."
"But you had something to ask?"
"Yeah I did."
"So, what is it?"
"I don't want to ask you now. You're mad. Let's just talk about it tomorrow."
"I'm not mad, I just want to know." He reached for me and pulled me to him. He sank his forehead into my stomach and sighed. "I'd like to think if there is something you wanted from me you could just ask and not to try to bribe your way with favors."
"I wasn't trying to bribe you. I told you that's not what it was about." I pushed my hands down his shoulders easing the tense muscles. "I found something that I really want to do. I'm scared you'll say no."
The muscles tightened beneath my fingers.
"What is it?"
"A conference, for writers. It's in California for a week. Renee said she'd come watch the girls. There was a discount…" My voice trailed off while I waited for his reply I kneaded his shoulders.
"For writers? You're not a writer."
I pushed a little too hard at the knot I'd been working out and smiled when he yelped. "No but I think I'd like to be. I think it would be good for me to have something. Something other than making dinner and playing Barbies, you know?"
He was quiet for a while before he spoke. "Yeah, okay. I think it'd be good. I mean it's just a week right? You need a hobby." He let of my waist and pushed himself under the covers. "Can you get the light?"
I walked to the switch and glanced at my husband before flicking it. I walked the memorized path around to my side of the bed and lifted the blankets to lay myself on the cold damp sheets. I turned to face the wall just as his hand came around the top of my shoulder and his fingertips squeezed into my chest. They moved a fraction of an inch lower and I scooted back to give him more reach. His hand slid further down my shirt and hovered over my left breast. He gave it a squeeze.
I waited, knowing it could go either way. When he squeezed again I pushed back further tucking my butt into him. He was soft. I wiggled against him as his fingertips grazed my nipple and pushed further down my shirt to the top of my pajama pants. He plunged his hand beneath the waistband and cupped me.
I knew better than to moan. It would only remind him I was there and put an end to his exploration and the semi I felt stirring against my back. His hand slid out from my pants and then my shirt. It pressed into my shoulder pushing me flat against the bed. I felt him move around me and straddle my thighs as he slid down the flannel pants. He gave the area a few more pats and then leaned forward bracing himself on one arm and his knees. He moved across the entrance and I could feel his hand propping up his half limp erection at the base. He pressed against the side of my lips and groaned before thrusting into me.
He got stuck along the way given the lack of lubrication natural or otherwise. I shimmied my hips to help move him in further and he let go of himself to clutch my hip still. He dug his fingertips into my hipbone and then moved his hand back to the base.
I lay mute in the dark as he pushed into me, his fist the punctuation of every thrust. A minute or three went by and he groaned again, shuddered, and fell on my chest. My eyes had adjusted to the darkness and I watched him tuck himself back into the boxer shorts he hadn't bothered to take off. He patted my head, yawned, and disappeared under the covers to go to sleep.
I woke to a wet pillow caused by more than just the humidity in the air. The girls were calling my name but Jake was already sitting up, one foot on the floor. His smile radiated across the bed and he leaned in to kiss me.
"Good morning, huh?" He chuckled to himself. "You sleep in baby, I'll get the girls."
He pulled the covers up around me and tucked them into my sides like he knew I liked and pinched my cheek. He sat back surveying me before rising to leave. When I heard the door click closed I lifted my arm out of the blanket burrito and fished in my nightstand drawer until my fingers closed around the small calendar book. I flipped the pages looking for the check mark that indicated the birth control shot he didn't know I got. I found the small symbol and counted forward relieved when today's date fell in the tenth week. Now I could go back to sleep.
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~~I'd love reviews more than Bella would love a husband that wants to bang her silly~~
